i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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