I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
