life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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