Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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