You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
