Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
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can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.