OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.