The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
