well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
