I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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