the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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