I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
