I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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