Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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