fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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