Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
