you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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