can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
