Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
