NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
wow bdsm is so cute
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
