I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
There are leaves in my underwear?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
