just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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