dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
