i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
