am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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