Your dad touched me again.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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