3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
