The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
