My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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