it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
