just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
