Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
