i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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