Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
