dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
