woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
