So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize