I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
