Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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