I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
