Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
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