I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
do nipples grow back?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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