Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
