I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
