No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize