remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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