he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
