i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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