Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
