I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
