Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
