Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She even gives head with a lisp.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?