did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin