I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
two words...techno handjob
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.