I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
