drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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