we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
