Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
