If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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