I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
