my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
